This Means War

Release Date: February 17th, 2012
Tomatometer: 25% (112 reviews)
Cineblog Rating: 6/10

This week I had the opportunity to go to a "sneak preview" of this film, so while most people couldn't see it until the 17th, I saw it on the 14th. That really doesn't mean much, I just thought it was kind of cool. Anyway,

This Means War is essentially the Spy vs. Spy comic strips in movie form. FDR and Tuck, played by Chris Pine and Tom Hardy respectively, are CIA agents and best friends who have been "grounded" for accidentally being loud and obnoxious while shooting tons of people and stopping terrorists. After a series of chance events, both FDR and Tuck begin dating the same girl, Lauren Scott (Reese Witherspoon). The two decide to turn it into a competition, using their CIA resources to win over the girl, all the while one of the terrorists FDR and Tuck stopped is tracking them down to enact his revenge.

This is not a great movie. This movie will not be remembered hundreds of years from now as a cinematic wonder. Honestly, this movie will probably not be remembered next year, and might even be forgotten by this time next month. But dammit, I had so much fun watching it. This Means War was packed with so much over-the-top action, ridiculous pranks and humorous banter that it seems almost impossible to not enjoy watching. It never tries to be anything but exactly what it is: a mindless, actiony rom-com, and that's why This Means War works.

So Pretty Much: This Means War is nothing but cheesy, mindless, action-packed fun, and that's exactly why you should go see it.

Woman in Black

Release Date: February 2nd, 2012
Tomatometer: 64% (147 reviews)
Cineblog Rating: 3/10

Think of the most stereotypical horror movie ever. Imagine a haunted house, ghosts everywhere, a hero that investigates everything he shouldn't, a curse that can only be solved by digging up a somebody's skeleton, and fog. So much fog. Fog everywhere. Now make the main character everyone's favorite wizard, and you're starting to get the idea. Unfortunately, however, not even having Harry Potter as the lead can make this movie magical.

The Woman in Black is the story of Arthur Kipps, a young lawyer and father, who is searching through the now abandoned Eel Marsh House to find the last known will of Alice Drablow, who had previously lived there. What Arthur finds instead is a dark secret plaguing the townsfolk and taking the lives of the local children. With time running out, Arthur must stop the ghostly Woman in Black before it's too late, or risk losing the life of his child as well. Dun dun duuuun.

To be quite honest, this movie wasn't very frightening. While certain scenes had potential, The Woman in Black overall fails to deliver on scares. Perhaps the reason for this is that the only reason these scares happen is because Arthur Kipps is an idiot. He sees what is clearly a face in the window, acknowledges that there was a face in the window and then runs upstairs, unarmed, to check out the face and perhaps even the body it was attached to. And, as if that wasn't enough, when he sees that there is no one around, he resumes working. For reasons like that, the viewer feels more angry at Kipps than afraid for him. I mean, if he wants to walk into a room that could potentially have an axe murderer in it without grabbing so much as a knife or a sharp stick or something, then maybe he should die a terrible and painful death.

All of that aside, the worst part about The Woman in Black is the ending. It had me feel cheated and upset that I sat in the theater for an hour and a half just to have that happen. I won't reveal what that is here, but ask me about it sometimes and I'll gladly share. Absolutely dreadful.

The best part about The Woman in Black, however, was that Danielle Radcliffe is in it. Having him as the main character meant that me and my friends were making Harry Potter jokes the entire time. Whenever something creepy or unexplained happened, we would hum the Hogwarts theme music. Every cloaked character became a dementor and every time Kipps lit a candle, we imagined him casting lumos. Still, probably wasn't worth it.

So Pretty Much: The Woman in Black is boring, the ending is stupid and Harry Potter isn't enough of a reason to go see it.

Chronicle

Release Date: February 3rd, 2012
Tomatometer: 85% (133 reviews)
Cineblog Rating: 6/10

If you combined I Am Number Four with Cloverfield with Animorphs with Take Me Home Tonight with Captain Planet and the Planeteers with Star Wars: Episode III, then you'd pretty much have this movie.

Chronicle is yet another found footage film, told from the point of view of Andrew Detmer, a social reject who decides to film his life. One night at a party, Andrew, his cousin and the most popular kid in school all discover a cavern leading deep into the Earth. At the bottom of this cave is a glowing rock that gives the three kids super powers. But while his friends want to use the powers for silly pranks and personal gain, Andrew has darker intentions.

I didn't realize that this was a found-footage film until it was too late, which made me angry. But I very quickly got over that fact because the story allows for some camera movement not generally seen in the genre, which was a nice change. However, despite this, I feel like it could have been better. I don't want to say Chronicle is bad, because it's not. But while some parts are awesome, other parts are laughable, and all of it just sort of evens out. And the main character reminds me a lot of Anakin Skywalker, just so angsty and annoying. But then again, they also destroy a good portion of Seattle in a really cool superhero battle. Hmm...

So Pretty Much: Chronicle is pretty good, especially considering it's another found footage film and the hero is as likable as really burnt toast.